Quarter Final: The spy car farce.
Arrival

We arrived later on the Tuesday than we had the previous episode. This was due to the fact that we didn't have to film any mood shots this time, and that Jimmy had successfully managed to keep track of all of his personal belongings. One of the things I have never understood about the whole scrapheap malarky, is the need and childlike delight, that they (Naomi, Marie, Danny etc) take in repeating 'We're not going to tell you' to almost every question asked. I can understand this for finding out what was going to be built, but as we have said before we were never interested in knowing this before hand. All we wanted to know was, who were our opposition this week. With loads of cryptic hints, that only Einstein could have got, we gave up. Then in wandered The Bakewell Puddings.

If you have a look through all the previous episodes, you begin to see a 'certain look' amongst people that apply for scrapheap. Larger than average, usually bald or shaved head with a goatee beard i.e. Nosher from the previous years Megalomaniacs. Charlie, Mark and I could have been brothers separated at birth. The Bakewell Puddings were a team of motorbike nuts, from funnily enough Bakewell in Derbyshire. Again another team that knew what they were talking about. But this time they didn't mess around with engines, etc for a job, they did it for fun which made them doubly dangerous. We then met our expert Jim, again the rest of the night was about drinking. Funny that, everyone we've met so far with this program liked a drink or 5.

Build Day
How to take an idea, turn it on it's head and build a tractor and trailer.

There was something wrong!!! We didn't have to get up early, we met the bus at just before 8 and were taken to the scrapheap, where we met all the guys behind the scenes again. It was straight into the green room, before they would let us anywhere near the catering van, to get our overalls and mikes on. The first competition of the day then took place, who could eat the most bacon rolls and sandwiches between Charlie and I. Unfortunately I do have to bow down before a true master as I was beaten by a floury bacon and black pudding roll, but I would have revenge on race day through with an outstanding 4 bacon sarnie marathon.
The one thing you never realise from the television, is how much sitting around there is doing nothing. Before you go on set you have to wait in the green room for what seems hours, whilst Rob and Lisa film the intro parts. There is also, whilst your working the down tools, where you want to get on but Ben 'him of the two microphones' stops everything so they can film something or other. The other part is where you having a 'crack' with the guys, saying something funny, and then one of the camera men stops you and ask you to repeat whatever you just said, because they weren't ready. Do you realise how difficult it is to say the same thing twice without sounding really lame second time round? It's like explaining a dirty punch line to your granny.

We then were allowed on to the yard to learn of the challenge, by this time it was 10am. If this build was anything like the last one we would never finish in time. Then came the challenge, we were to build a spy car a la James Bond. As with the last time, we had no idea what they were on about, until the series producer, Bill Hobbins, explained actually what was going on. We had to build a car that could go under obstacles of 2ft could go over obstacles of 2ft, reverse, and turn on a sixpence.

At this point we were not sure what we were doing, but we all had ideas. Then for the drawing board shot, where we have to discuss what's going on, but Jim already had ideas, so he thought!!! Jim immediately came up with an idea of a kiddies wooden train type principle, where there would be a motor trolley, pulling the rest of us along on three other trolleys. But that was immediately shot down in flames, the discussions went on. We then went through the idea of a 3 trolley push me pull me car, where there was a central motor unit, with a steering 'buggy' at either end. Then after more discussion we settled on a motor and trailer with one driver and one to steer the trailer, with the other two along for the ride (or so we thought). Jimmy and David were then sent out into the yard to find a sit on lawn mower or small motor bike, some small wheels, and enough metal to make a lightweight trailer.

Jim and I then laid out all the tools and power cables, as previously this had been one of our problems, the mess in the yard. We then sat around in the yard, and sat around, and sat around. Where were the guys, I kept calling them up on the walkie talkies, but all I was getting was, "Nope, found nothing". We then told them to split up and Jimmy to bring us back some metal, in the quad and David look for the motor unit. After an hour of nothing, David then shouts up he thinks he's found something, in bad state, but it's the best there is and they can't move it. Jim and I then got permission to go down to the yard and give some help. To say this thing was in a bad state was an understatement, it had no wheels, was as old as Methuselah and it was that difficult to make out any of the engine components because it was a single block of rust and oxide. As David said, it looked like it had been left behind on the beaches at Dunkirk, and had only just been refound. There had to be something else, Jim and I went back to the yard and told the other two to keep on searching.

David then had what can be best described in religious terms, as a revelation, an epiphany or divine intervention. Clambering over the yard, he spied a rotavator buried behind some junk, and thought well that will do. But hidden, buried right behind it was a sit on lawn mower, in almost perfect condition. We have been told by the cameraman that was following him, that David did the worlds largest double take looking at at the mower not really realising what it was he was looking at, and it slowly started to dawn on him, this is what we had sent him out for an hour and a half previously to find.

The guys brought the tractor up to the yard, and found enough metal and wheels to make the trailer. Then up pops the nemesis of time, Ben, everyone has to stop for lunch. We were just getting started and he wanted us to stop again, bugga.

After lunch I started working on the back of the tractor, to get the tow mechanism done, Jimmy and David started doing the reclining chairs that we would sit on, and then doing the frame of the trailer. The guys next door had cut two cars in half, had had 10 fires, had most of the spare engines from the scrap yard in their workshop, were gas cutting like mad, and were building something scrapheap would be proud of.  You have to remember some of the builds that had taken part in our very yard, 20m trebuchets, jet cars, racing cars, to name a few. This is where it started to dawn on us, with the bits lying round our yard, we were building a kiddies tractor and trailer. It was about then that Lisa came and did one of her chats and we had to explain what we were doing. We were turning scrapheap into a farce, and the look of incredulity on Lisa's face when we explained the rear trailer would be steered with a piece of string, no linkages, hydraulics, just a bit of blue rope.

I then had another crack at welding, after my failure with the mig and arc welders the previous episode, I was not going to be daunted. After 5 minutes, I realised I could weld, and then spent the next 3 hours having fun with the welder, and anything that stayed still for too long got welded. OK my welding would have Hadrian and the back stage technical guys in fits of laughter but hey it was the first time in 12 years, and I was happy with it.
We still had 5 hours left and the tractor had been cut down by Jim to under 2', the boys had done the frame, Jim had welded a sidecar to the side of the tractor for Jimmy to sit in. We then decided to make the towing mechanism not out of universal joints, but out of tow hitches, Jimmy went back out into the yard to get them, which when he brought them back I welded a tow bar together.

3 hours left we had almost finished and we'd been told to slow down. Jimmy then went to play with the tractor, as he gets bored if he can't play with motors. This is when David and I realised that Jim and Jimmy were in fact aliens talking on a completely different language about the engine. We both know engines (ish) but within a couple of minutes they had the governor off and flames coming out of the exhaust with the back fire. They both tinkered, and got as much as they could out of the little 8hp engine.

David and I finished off the trailer, with David preparing the bits of metal, and I welded them on. This is where David came soooooo close to going down in the scrapheap annals for the biggest hissy fit ever. Whilst preparing a big piece of C section for welding, he'd clamp it in the vice, but because the angles weren't quite 90 degrees, every time he touched the grinder to it, it would fall out. This happened not once or twice but at least 10 times, I then came along and did the vice up as tight as I could, grind for 15 seconds and it fell out again. By this time David's muttering to himself, his left eye is twitching uncontrollably, and all the cameras have realised what is going to happen, and are focused only on him increasing his pressure. I then got to him just as the piece of metal was about to be flung across the yard and made him go and sit in the container and take a cup of coffee.

After another half an hour we had finished Jimmy had driven the tractor round the yard and into the scrapheap, David and I were sitting on the trailer waiting for the clock to tick down. Boy were we confident, the simplest design, few moving parts and the opposition's looked liked it need a lot of tinkering. "What could go wrong?", I asked. As it turned out everything!

Then back to the hotel, thanks Kevin for keeping the bar open for us.

Safety Day

David went and picked up his Ferrari replica, Jimmy went for a spin round the countryside, and I saw my old man for the first time in three and half years. The one good thing was at least he seemed impressed with the tractor and trailer, when I took him round the scrapyard.
The evening was another one of those sessions round the bar.

Race Day
At least there wasn't a swear box present that's all I can say.

We arrived at Dunscombe Park, having got lost in the Surrey countryside, about 8:30, got suited and booted, and had the aforementioned eat competition. Then it was over to 'tinker' with the cars. Jim had done a little bit of tinkering, a handle bar and throttle mechanism to make the tractor easier to steer, and some safety grill, but that was it. We then painted the tractor, and Jimmy reasons know only to himself decided to call the tractor 'Buttercup' and tape some flowers to the front of the tractor. Must be a Suffolk tractor boy thing. We took the tractor for a spin and had it going really well, reversing no problems, tight turns, should be a cinch. We had realised earlier that we were next to the same race track, where Top Gear is filmed and then sitting on the race track was the brand new McLaren Mercedes. It made the most beautiful noise ever, imagine the irony a German car that sounds like a Spitfire. David also found out that the new batman movie was being filmed in the next hangar. He actually managed to get on the set, and will take great pleasure in telling everyone he sat on Katie Holmes bed.

After hours of interminable waiting, we were off. Bill flipped a coin and we lost so we had to go first. We had been walked round the course, chicanes, obstacles, the only worry was the 2ft hump. The plan was Jimmy drive, I steer the rear trailer with Jim and David operating the back of the chair to allow us to lie down as we go under the obstacles.

At the start line, cameras rolling, Lisa waves the start flag, and we're off......................erm, no we weren't. We had to go under an obstacle on the start line, Jimmy got on to the side pod but his weight pulled the tractor over lifting a wheel off the ground. This meant wheel off the ground just spun. At this point I started swearing, boy was I angry, everything should have been so smooth we were going nowhere with the clock ticking. Jim then got off his seat leaned across the tow bar and gripped the spinning back wheel in his hand, we had drive again. Then the wheels fell off the trolley, literally. As we approached the bar David then had to contend with the lean back mechanism on his own, He still wasn't down and we were at the bar, I then knocked him backwards which sent him flying half off the seat, banging his head off the ground. Jimmy had then got back on the tractor, accelerating away with David trying to pull him self up on my arm. I'm shouting at David to get up, but he says he can't we're going to fast. Then the trailer steering locks, this cracked the bones in my hand as the rope tightens, folding the rubber wheel almost off it's rim, I'm swearing for everything to stop, shouting at Jimmy, swearing the whole time. We then start again through the chicane, no problems. Then under the lorry, wheel spins again, Jim grabs the wheel again, we get under the lorry. Then into the warehouse. Sharp left turn and under the laser. we got under the laser and the wheels started spinning again, but this time Jim couldn't get grip on the painted floor, I'm was shouting at everyone, "take the penalty".  Jimmy then got back on top of the tractor then it drives off smoothly again. Jim then had to get off the tractor and cancel an alarm button, which he almost forgot. Then to get the top secret briefcase, no problems, and the reverse out of the tunnel.

Now this is the bit I like, the judge had gone against us in the previous round and we found that this one had gone against us this time too. He said that we would never reverse properly with our tow mechanism, but everything else should be OK. Well some judge he turned out to be, we did everything else wrong, and got the reverse out of the tunnel perfectly. I think Rob even made some comments about him eating at least half of his hat.

Then round the corner, under the next obstacle, which went not too bad. Then it was on to the dreaded hump, and it went wrong, because of the folded tyre we couldn't get over the hump. We took the next 20 second penalty, got round the hump and out of the warehouse, under the lorry and out through the chicane. We were done and we were dejected, if it could have gone wrong it did. Lisa then came up and did her piece, sorry Lisa I wasn't in the best mood to talk then. We were then escorted away as we weren't allow to see the other team's run, and taken round the corner where David and I had an argument about who did what wrong, and Jimmy sitting there the whole time going, "I don't know why you guys get wound up, its only a TV show".
As it happens why the wheels spun is because Jim had pumped the tyres up to give us a bit better clearance, but this had affected how much of the tyres profile was in contact with the ground.

Then it was the Bakewell's turn. Even though we could not see them, we could hear their motor, and work out roughly where it was in the building. We heard them get just to the entrance to the warehouse, We could hear some commentary over a radio as one of the production crew was standing right next to us. We heard Bill's voice come over the radio, "Stop, they have a problem". After another long TV land wait Bill came round the corner and explained that the pudding's clutch cable had snapped, and what they wanted to know was if we let them have a two minute penalty, could they restart the race? Well we had tried to work out with our penalties how long the course took us and between us we came up with a time of between 5 and 7 minutes. So take two minutes off that, they'd struggle to get round the course in that time. There was also the "Well it's only a TV show" play like gentlemen, it wasn't like we were taking it too seriously anyway. So we listened to the guys start off again, into the warehouse, God they were moving quick, with Jimmy wandering round the warehouse trying to pin point where they were, we realised it was a bit difficult as the echoes from within the warehouse, made it sound like they were going backwards and forwards. In fact Charlie told us afterwards they were, they had forgoton to cancel the alarm before picking up the briefcase and had to go back for it. We then heard them move further through the building to the hump, with about 5 minutes 30 gone. Next we heard the engine over revving, and then silence, and over the radio, Ben "Stop there, they think it's terminal." As it transpired the front of their car had dug into the hump and as they tried to push up it, the drive shaft had snapped.

We then had to wait, for a while again, before Bill came round and said we were going to film the final sequence, the guy's machine was dead, but to remember they were pretty upset about it. Coming into the warehouse, we knew we had won and wanted to dance around with David and my spat forgotten about. But then saw the look on the other guys faces. They were gutted, and we realised that to lose in that way, when you'd spent so much time on something and it had just broken, had to be hard to take. We lined up, cameras rolling, then Lisa announced we had won, completing the course in ........ 11 minutes 48 seconds. If the guys had just got over the hump they would have won, even with the 2 minute penalty. It had taken us ages!

Neither teams wanted to win or lose in that way. You want to compete and win or lose with your machine completing the task (how true would that come to be in the next round). We also realised that if our machine had worked properly we would have done it a lot quicker, it was a win, but a win by default, we were through to the next round.

I'd like to thank the back stage guys again, even though they didn't do much work on this car for us. They're always there for us, in the case of Jem and Zim to give help and advice, and in the case of Hadrian throw some abuse at our engineering skills. Naomi as ever, ta. Most of all, our thanks go to Jim, two experts out of two that had lived up to their title of expert, and got the three clowns through another round.

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